I am closing on my house in about an hour.  Surprisingly the overwhelming feeling I am having today is of melancholy.   Building our dream home was something we planned from the time we committed to each other, even before we were actually engaged we talked of it.

Now, as with everything else these days, I am doing it alone.

I should have anticipated feeling this way, but I did not see it coming at all.

There are other things to focus on as well...

Just a quick mention of the new way I choose to eat.  It is going remarkably well.  The fact that I am not depriving myself of anything makes a huge difference.  I had a cup of coffee this morning and if I decide I want to eat some meat at lunch i will do so, just after I have all my vegetables and fruit.  for me this really is about putting healthy things in my body.  Hopefully I will lose weight as I do that, but it's not my main focus.

On to other things... my youngest started his junior year of high school yesterday.  I have high hopes for him this year and I am looking forward to spending some extra time alone with him as my oldest son is going to be a Freshman in college.  He moves into the dorm tomorrow.  Lots of changes for sure.

Build on what you have...

I am disappointed that I have not kept up with this blog.  I thought of starting over, but decided I am not going to do that.  Even when I go without posting I am going to make myself come back to this and continue rather than trying to pretend that I can start again. 

You never know where the 2x4 that is going to level you will come from.

Had to take DS16 to the Orthodontist yesterday to get his bottom braces off. They called him back and brought me a clip board. "Mrs. B, could you please help us, we are updating our info.  Here is a new sheet, but also here is the sheet you filled out the first time you came in ~ if nothing much has changed just sign this one again."

I didn't want to take the clip board, I didn't want to see the paper I had filled out, I knew the exact date that was going to be at the top of the page...  Yep sure enough, there it was staring back at me... Dec 1, 2008.

You see Dec 1, 2008 is the day I confirmed what I had suspected for a few weeks... my husband of 19-1/2 years (at that time) was having an affair.  He had come home a few weeks prior and announced he was not happy and no longer wanted to be married.

That morning I didn't go to work because I had to take DS to the Orthodontist and when H left for work I broke into his computer.  I was unfamiliar with Yahoo Messenger, but I learned that day it keeps track of everything.  All their conversations were there for me to read… every word.

After the appointment I took my son to school and I went to work for a few hours... the day was sort of a blur and I know I was in no shape to get any real work done, but I had a counseling appointment afterward and I was anxious to go to that.

My counselor and I kind of planned out what I was going to say to H when I got home so I could get the words out.  Then while driving home an attorney I had contacted returned my call and I pulled to the side of the road to talk.  He confirmed that there was no legal reason I should not let H know that I knew what was going on.

Once in the house.... I made my way downstairs to where he was on the computer and said I had something to say.  

He came over to where I was and I said "I know",

he said “You know what?” 

I solemnly repeated those two words “I know”

and he said "you don't know anything, you're crazy!"
I remained very calm and again I said "I know... and the way I know is that yahoo messenger keeps a log of all conversations, just so you know".

I watched as all the blood drained from his face and then I walked upstairs to our room and started folding clothes.  He followed me after a few minutes.  He wanted to talk.  Once in the room he began crying... he actually fell down in our bedroom floor begging me to listen to him.

Looking back on that day it all seems just as surreal as it did then.  It feels like something I watched happen, not something I actually experienced.

So back to yesterday and the 2x4… I had to completely fill out a new form.  Except for my son's name, DOB and gender everything thing else had changed.

Saw the coolest thing this morning while sitting in my friends drive way waiting on her daughter for car pool.

The guy next door walked out of his house and got a huge balloon and an enormous bouquet of flowers out of his truck. He arraigned them along with rose petals and candy on the front porch. Then got in his truck and left for work.

I assume his wife is going to see them when she opens the door to leave for work. How thoughtful

I am actually pleasantly surprised to know that I am not so broken that I can’t appreciate seeing such a gesture. It really changed my attitude about the whole day.

Courageous

I watched Courageous the movie today.  I pray daily that my boys will grow into fine, healthy men with strong character in spite of all that they have been through.  I hate that their dad makes so little effort to see them and spend time with them.  I actually thought to myself, if only he could see this movie... maybe he would understand what his absence is doing to them. 

I went so far as to devise a plan:  I would mail the movie to him anonymously... I could send it to a friend in some other part of the country and have them drop it in some out of the way mail box addressed to him.  In my little fantasy he would watch it and have an ah-ha moment and begin to mend the relationship with his children.

But I know he probably wouldn't watch it... and if he started to he wouldn't watch it all the way through... and if by some chance he did...  he most likely would not take from it what I hope he would.

Then I had an ah-ha moment of my own... and I prayed for him.  I prayed that the Lord will work in him to help him see that his children need more of him.  I made a promise to myself that I am going to pray that same prayer again and again, each day.  ...and when I get frustrated by something he has done or that he hasn't done I am going to pray it again.  Hopefully when ever a thought of him pops into my head that prayer will follow.

I need to GAL

GAL = Get a Life... 

I went shopping and out to dinner Tuesday night with my youngest son and the boy reminded me that it has been quite a while since I went out and did anything.

I had been at least going to a movie pretty often and now  I can't remember the last time I even did that.  So I am promising myself that I will do something once a week.

These are the rules:

It must be out of the house (a real challenge for me at this time of year).

It can be with my kids but not for my kids.

Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for breakfast at Royal Bagel ~ that sounds like a good start. 

Getting there

okay so I admit I am a little obsessed with getting this last bit of debt paid off and I am so close I can hardly stand it!

365 days......

I was leery that I would, at the very least, be sad today since it was exactly a year ago that a judge signed the decree ending my marriage.  But I have actually been pretty okay.

I had the opportunity to talk to the man who was the facilitator of the Divorce Care class I attended 2-1/2 years ago.  He became a Christian Counselor after his own divorce and I really respect him.  He is now married to a lovely lady and they have what seems to be the kind of relationship I hope for one day.

Bill told me about establishing a multi-church counseling center, that he has gotten a federal grant to begin.  He mentioned there will be all sorts of counseling offered and my eyes lit up when he said "including financial".  Then Bill said the magic words, "would you be interested in volunteering?"

I have been thinking I would like to get involved in teaching Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course and especially Generation Change (for youths).  Just yesterday I was looking on Dave's website, trying to decide if I should just buy the course and take my kids through it myself, since there does not seem to be a place locally that offers it.

Maybe I am jumping way ahead, but I do hope that Bill will consider me for this.  I think I would be very good at it and I have been searching for a way to serve.

Dumping Debt:  Balance Remaining $4,628.86

When a person chooses to have a family (a spouse and children) shouldn't every decision going forward be made for the good of the entire family?

Tomorrow is a big day

In September 2005 we closed on a piece of property in Michigan.  
25 acres where we planned to eventually build our retirement dream home.
However that was one more dream not meant to be.
Tomorrow we close on the sale of that property.
This is the last asset to be sold.

We are selling it at a loss as we have done everything.  
...very bittersweet.
I am thankful to be almost out of debt.  

But the question remains...

why did this have to be?

DEBT...

or lack there of, will be one thing to bring me great joy!

On December 1, 2008 I discovered something that would eventually change my life forever.  I don't want to go in to it on this blog right now, but someday I might.  This discovery prompted me to make a spreadsheet of all of our debt.  I always knew how deep in we were, but seeing that total coupled with my new found information was terrifying!

$445,296.95 

• 69% of that was our mortgage and home equity loan. 
• 19% was owed on 7 credit cards
• 9% accounted for loans on two vehicles
• 3% were loans we had taken against our retirement accounts :(

There you have it... I put it out here for all the world to see (if they happen to stumble on my blog that is).

The good news is that three years later that total had been brought down to $54,852.76 and if all goes as planned by March of 2012 will be completely wiped out!

2012

I have high hopes for this coming year.  I already have so much to be grateful for, and I will spend a lot of time mentioning those things.  But my focus is going to be finding that which brings me joy.  

I should know what that is by now, but sadly I really have no clue.

Blogging is new for me.  I have wanted to start for quite a while but wasn't really sure where to begin.  
So please bear with me as I figure this out.